VALIDATION AND FAMILY

Throughout my healing and recovery process, I have shared with and listened to other adult survivors of childhood abuse, and one issue/ theme that has repeatedly surfaced is the struggle and desire of many survivors to be validated by their non-supportive family members and/or perpetrators. Deep inside each of these survivors is the hope that these particular individuals will somehow change and be capable of providing them with the support, comfort, and love that they were unable to previously provide. While in rare cases this does occur, it is not usually the case, and we, as survivors, need to realize this, move on, and seek out others who are capable of providing us with the support, recognition, and/or validation that we deserve and need.

As survivors of childhood abuse, we should not be surprised that our families and/or perpetrators do not respond to and validate us in ways that we would like. Most of us grew up in an environment of manipulation, denial, and secrecy, where don’t think, don’t feel, and never tell were messages that permeated our lives, and, in most cases, our families. If we dared to attempt to make known to others the abuse being perpetrated on us, we were usually met with strong opposition, further abuse, denial, and/or we were discredited and not believed. This left us, our feelings, and our lives invalidated and ignored by the very people that were supposed to hear, comfort, and protect us.

The very individuals that many survivors continue to seek validation and support from are the same individuals that were unable to give it to them as children and beyond, and will never be capable of providing them with such. To continue to seek validation for your abuse and/or the resulting difficulties in your life from those that have invalidated you and denied the truth throughout your life, for most, is an exercise in futility. You have never had their support or validation, nor will you ever receive it.

Unfortunately, this is a painful reality that far too many survivors must face and accept. For us to hang onto the false hopes that somehow something will miraculously change and others will become the people we have longed a lifetime for them to be is just continuing to keep alive a painful, and potentially harmful, fantasy. One’s inability to identify and accept this as an unattainable fantasy can only serve to slow down the healing and recovery process, and further, place the survivor in a position to be re-victimized by the very people that abused her/him to begin with. Endlessly trying and longing to have a relationship that does not exist, and never will, rather than accepting it for what it is and letting the fantasy go, is just needlessly expending energy that could be used in more productive ways and relationships. While it is not easy and/or without pain, the false hopes and fantasies that we cling to must be recognized as being just that. We need to find the strength to let go of these hopes, move on, and provide ourselves with the opportunity to experience further growth and healing.

However, one point that is important to always remember is that the problem lies within others and not within ourselves. Nothing that you could do or say will change their well-ingrained patterns of relating to you, as nothing you did or said caused you to be abused. Be sure to keep the blame and guilt where it belongs, and remember that you, as a child entrusted to the care of adults, were not and are not responsible for their actions. The grieving process over what we did not get from our families throughout our lives, and will never receive, is painful enough without placing false guilt and responsibility on ourselves when it clearly belongs to others and their behaviors.

Where does that leave us as survivors if we cannot rely on family members as we may like and/or long for? If we let go of our fantasies about them, where can we turn to find the support and validation that we seek and deserve? I believe that it is the work of each individual survivor to find trusted individuals with whom he/she can feel safe and understood. If you have a trusting relationship with your therapist, it is a good possibility that you can receive some of the support and validation that you are looking for from her/him. If you do not have such a therapist, perhaps you should consider finding another one.

However, as helpful as our therapists may be, we also need to look to others in our lives for validation, understanding, and support. Significant, concerned, trusted others, whether partners, spouses, non- abusive family members, and/or friends can often be supportive and validating of our experiences and our lives.

However, don’t expect everyone that you encounter to be able to understand and/or validate you. Not everyone you meet will have the knowledge or ability to do such. Each individual comes with their own histories, beliefs, and understanding of child abuse and its effects on the survivor. This may mean that some individuals that you encounter may not, at least initially, if ever, be able to understand and/or respond to you and/or your experiences as you may have liked and/or hoped. This should be somewhat understandable to you if you consider how often you have struggled with accepting your own abuse and its resulting effect on your life.

For me, I have experienced a great deal of support and validation through my contacts with other survivors who struggle with many of the same issues and difficulties that I do. My involvement in survivor support groups has been extremely helpful to me in this regard. Just sharing with and feeling that others truly understand what I am saying and/or experiencing has been tremendously validating for me. Other survivors know that child abuse does exist, and that it does leave an impact on one’s life, and they are usually not in denial regarding such. They have helped me to realize that what I am experiencing is an understandable and valid reaction to the abuse perpetrated on me by others in the past, and that the issues and concerns that I may be struggling with are also difficulties shared by other survivors. This connection and sharing with others has helped me to realize that I am no longer alone in my experiences and journeys, and has provided me with others who are capable of understanding and believing me. Validation by peers can be a powerful thing.

However, while our peers may be able to validate the experiences we each endure on a daily basis, as survivors living with a dissociative disorder resulting from childhood abuse, they probably will not be able to validate our individual memories as each one’s past and experience is unique. However, there are places where we can turn even when our families and/or individuals aligned with them continue to deny and refuse to acknowledge the abuse we suffered. I feel that we, in most cases, can look within ourselves and/or to our alters for the truth and positive validation of any memories that we may have. I believe that each of us should trust our own perceptions as well as that of our inner parts. We, and the parts within us, have been longing to be seen, heard, and believed for a long time, and are in need of support and validation for the experiences we have endured. There is already enough pain held within, waiting to be expressed, without needing to create additional falsehoods. Further, if not for the pain, memories, and experiences held deep within us, there would have been no reason for us to have to dissociate and/or develop a dissociative disorder as a means to cope and survive. In some sense, this should provide us all with some semblance of validity, though painful, that we did, in fact, endure the experiences and memories that still present in and impact on our lives.