VALIDATION

We know that validation is extremely important to the survivor, but who is there to validate the feelings that you are experiencing as a supporter? Let's face it folks; supporting a survivor is a very extensive and, quite often, exhaustive emotional roller coaster ride. In time you will learn to cope with it, but you must first realize that this situation is by-no-means unique to yourself. Those of us who are "seasoned veterans" in the supportive role can attest to that, and we still find it difficult to deal with. You need to accept that you have a right to your feelings too, and that they also need to be validated; but by whom?

The first step, as mentioned above, is to realize that your feelings and concerns are valid, and you have a right to feel the way you do, regardless of what others may tell you. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, and you will discover that this is one of the most important aspects of validation - called "self-validation". Without this understanding of yourself, you can be of no use to the survivor. Why do I say that? I say that because it is true; I've been there. When the survivor asks you what your feelings are, while they are dealing with their abuse issues and/or on the road to recovery, be honest with them because deep down inside they can sense what is going on with you emotionally anyway. By outwardly expressing what is going on with you, it will help strengthen the survivor's trust in you while, at the same time, validate your feelings as well.

Peer-validation is also helpful, whether it is a family member or a close friend who is aware of the survivor's abuse. A lot of the time, both you and your feelings tend to get lost in the woodwork because so much attention is directed towards the survivor. I am not saying that this is wrong because survivors deserves as much help and attention as they can get. However, you need to let them and others know how you are doing too.

Always keep in mind that while the survivor's road is a difficult one, the road and/or role of a significant/concerned other can be, and sometimes is, just as difficult. You are not only dealing with the survivor's emotional "roller coaster", but with your own as well. In my case, I am fortunate to have a father-in-law, sister-in-law, as well as my wife's therapist, who know and understand the stress that I am under by supporting her, and quite often they ask me how I am doing and what's going on with my feelings. For myself, this is helpful because it not only validates the feelings and stress that I am under, but it also says, "we care about you too". So, as you can see, peer-validation for the concerned, supportive other can be equally as important as self-validation.

Support Groups can also create peer validation because you are interacting with individuals who understand the stress and feelings that are jumbled up inside of you. They provide you with an opportunity to actively participate in discussions that are centered on the issues that face you as individuals who are supportive, concerned others of a survivor. In these groups, trust, honesty, and respect are considered the keys to the success of the group. You must be true to yourself through honesty, respecting others while they talk, and, most importantly, what is said in the group – stays in the group (trust). Violation of any of these items can seriously hurt others in the group and make them feel invalidated. So it is important that these three principles are adhered to by all.

If support groups aren't for you, there is some information out there written for significant, concerned others that can help you to better understand and validate what you are feeling. Grant Cameron, who is also a significant/concerned other, wrote a book called What About Me? This book is an excellent resource for those of us who deal, on a daily basis, with the survivor. In it, he describes many scenarios that took place during his spouse's road to recovery, as well as his reactions and stresses when trying to help her out. Through it all he learned that no matter what one does, survivors must take care of themselves, and that you, as the significant/concerned other, must take care of yourself too. Remember that the only one responsible for you is you! So, I highly recommend this book, and you may, in reading it, also begin to see that what you are going through is very similar to what Grant went through and/or what other supporters of survivors experience. Remember, that what matters is how we handle those feelings that are jumbled up inside of us, and how we can find the much-needed expression and validation for those feelings. In closing, I would like to state a very simple and sometimes overshadowed phrase - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.